to look back on what was lost


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C,

I know my words will likely fall on deaf ears, but if it’s the choice between wishing on a star and doing nothing, I’d take the star every time and hope that you might find my letter here and read it with an open heart. Most days in life are as forgettable as the next – things don’t change, people follow the same patterns and do the same things. It’s a rare day that goes to shape a person, the simply great moments and the truly horrible ones, that will last forever burnt into someone’s mind. It’s in these moments that we find who we truly are, and set ourselves on a course to be who we want to be.
You told me that when we met, you had never felt for someone what you felt for me. While I never told you, I felt the same incredible spark, that glowing feeling where everything around you is brighter, newer and in all ways better than before. You set me free, took me on adventure after adventure and showed me a side of life I had never imagined, and in return I showed you the same. We loved a love that has been written about to the point that every word about it is cliché. And that’s okay, because it’s the simplest and most powerful joy in human life. Never before has someone inspired me the way you did.
I do not blame you for walking away, far from it. The days that I would spend with you playfully became less common, the talks of dreams and seeing the world sparser, the basic act of listening which I did not fully comprehend yet was lacking, and in the end I failed to see the simple things you needed.
If there is one saving grace though for heartbreak and time alone, it’s that when the storm clears, we have the ability to look back on what was lost, to see mistakes made, and choose to better ourselves for it. I kept a wall up, and I have only myself to blame for that, but in this moment of letting my secrets go, my feelings for you are as simple as this – every day we spent together was the best day of my life. I know now that the love you gave to me – not the heart-skipping, pulse pounding excitement that I first had with you, but your desire to be with me that kept my heart aflame – was in all ways perfect. I know I’ve said you were perfect before, but I’m not sure I ever really explained that this is how I meant it. If I still had you with me today, not a single moment would pass that I wouldn’t make you feel the same.
I know I can’t make you choose to open your heart up to me again. But if I could now, I would make you feel that perfect love that you gave me. I would run wild with those clichés - I would be outside you office with flowers every day, I would take you on all those trips we planned, I would get lost with you in adventure, I would drive off into the sunset with you with no real direction and only the desire to spend time with you, to be with you, to make you smile that way that lights up the night. I know I won’t always be perfect, and I know I won’t always be new and fascinating, but given the chance I’d grab your hand and take you on the most incredible journey of a lifetime. If there’s one thing I wish you take from this note, in hopes that you find true happiness, it’s that you discover what those who have come before us and found happily ever after know - that the butterflies aren’t what define love, but are what lead you to it. Until then I’ll be waiting with butterflies.

Love,
P

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