Love is something wonderful, so they say. And I've trusted them, until right now.
How come I haven't experienced what everyone's talking about? "It comes when it comes," my very-much-in-love-friend said with a smile. "I didn't search for it, it came to me." She flashed another smile. Those two sentences felt like a knife through my chest. So, I'm just supposed to wait? I don't want to wait no more. I've been waiting and searching for almost 19 long years. I want to be able to feel, touch and taste the "love" that is supposed to be out there. Because love, that is what I've answered when people ask what I think life is all about. But now I don't know anymore. Because I can't keep hoping, waiting and praying for it to appear forever. Because then I will die without having to experience life, since the whole meaning with life is just that- love. It hurts for me to realise that love is all around me but somehow I'm not even allowed to have a tiny, small piece.
Should I give up on love, or die trying?
Okeeeeyy... you need to see these! I already had a few fooled but I am happy to tell you that these sparkly things are not miu miu... but from river island! designed by the lovely sammy goff.. some may remember me talking about an internship that I got the chance to do, so... it was over at the river island shoe design department! It was so exciting and I enjoyed every second of it! I saw these a while back in the office and now I can finally let you know that they are available in stores...
Thank to every one over at river island... x
ps. sorry for not posting so much lately.. Uni is sucking the life out of me right now... got to love it though.
UPDATE- I LISTED A FEW PAIRS ON EBAY FOR YOU LIVING OUTSIDE UK<3
CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE LISTINGS
UPDATE- I LISTED A FEW PAIRS ON EBAY FOR YOU LIVING OUTSIDE UK<3
CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE LISTINGS
I've never been so sure of anything. It's like, I've finally come to understand the difference between dread and fear, and those nervous butterflies that everyone keeps talking about. You want to know how I know? Because when I'm with you, I feel those butterflies fluttering around inside of me. But they don't make me want to run the other direction, like the fear has done before. If anything, they make me want to press myself as close as I can to you- skin to skin, heartbeat to heartbeat, because when I do that, the butterflies quiet their wings for a bit and they let me feel you. Feel all of you. And it's in those moments that I realize that the fear I feel is only surface level. It's the kind of fear you feel right before you turn on a bright light after hours of being in the dark- just a few seconds before you open your eyes to see something so beautiful, something you couldn't see before. For the first time in my life, I don't want to run away. I want to be with you, I want all of you.
But you don't want me, and as you go from girlfriend to girlfriend, hurting when they hurt you, you're overlooking something so important. You know that I love you, and you've told me that you love me too. It doesn't make sense that you would continue to go for girls that you know will break your heart, when I'm here- loving you endlessly. So you know what I think? I think that you're scared. You're scared that it's possible for someone to love you as much as I do, and you don't want to get hurt. But honey, what you don't seem to understand, is that I'm that one person who would never hurt you.
Even though it's breaking my heart, I will keep waiting for you to realize what is right here. I dare you to love me back, because I'm that person that you're looking for. The one that won't hurt you, will never leave you, and will always love you. That's me. I love you so much.
Thank you to the lovely people over at Next for inviting me to your AW showroom! Is it just me or are they're design getting more and more exciting....? The upcoming collection had influences from D&G, Chloe, Burberry... and many more. I love it. My favorite, that I almost walked away in, was the clog boots!! they will be mine as soon as the collection launch in just a few months! also loved the aviator jackets and the sleek tops and dresses in leather..
I feel like I am made of glass. And at any moment, all my pieces could shatter and break. It's always easier to blame other people isn't it? It would be easy to say that he did this to me, that he became such a part of my soul, that his departure from my life sent me spiraling out of control. And maybe to an extent that's true. There's no doubt that I gave my heart to a boy who ran so far away with it that I'm not sure it will ever really come back. But to put all that blame on him would be naive, and I would never want to flatter him in that way. The truth is, I was broken before he came barreling into my life. And now that he's gone, I'm just one step closer to shattering. My problem isn't making someone else fall in love with me, it's falling in love with myself. I've struggled for years to be happy with who I am, and I made the mistake of letting someone else try to make me happy, make me more alive. But how can I fault someone for falling out of love with me, when I have never even loved myself?
jeffrey campbell clogs
pictures by Tasha
pictures by Tasha
Looks like the summer is finally here.. and I am soaking in every tropical second of it. Pics taken over the weekend, in hyde park.. who knew an over crowded, bird filled field in the middle of busy London could actually pass for an exotic beach when you close your eyes and forget about reality for a while...
in more important news... the winner of the marc jacobs ring is Sabrina yeeyy congrats!! thank you to everyone who took part! your comments and ideas have been lovely to read! I assure you there will be more giveaways coming up soon..
I am still working on going through your questions.. I'll post answers soon.. I might also finally post some pics of my shoe shelf..
Hope you all have a sunny week
I remember hearing my own heartbeat as I rose out of bed and stood in the shower. The water was not hot, but lukewarm. I had not been able to take a hot shower for months. The heat from the water made me ill and lately, that's all that I ever felt: ill. My stomach was constantly upset, I slept about 10 hours a night and took several naps throughout the day. I either ate huge portions of food or none at all. I woke every morning, anticipating that I would feel better. I had been in and out of the doctor's office for months and my doctor could not figure out what was wrong with me. I couldn't figure out what was causing my illnesses either, but with him by side, everything would be fine... Right?
Showers never eased the pain in my fatigued muscles. Probably because I could never take one in peace... *Bing!* .. "Oh lord," I thought to myself. "is that my phone? Again? What does he want now?" this was a frequent thought throughout my daily, morning routine. I would always step out of the shower to answer my phone, despite my being reluctant to do so. The water from my long, black hair would always drip right on to the screen of my cellphone. I secretly wished that the phone would break from water damage, because that would offer me some liberty... Right?
I always felt so silly standing in a lukewarm shower, responding to his text or e-mail. But I felt compelled to do so anyway and despite numerous attempts to ignore his message(s), the guilt always became too much for me to bear. "If I don't respond, he will just text me again and he will accuse me of not caring." Those were usually my thoughts when I contemplated just not picking up my phone. Stupid cellphone. He communicated with me via. every outlet; facebook, e-mail, text messages, phone calls. He used every outlet, every day without fail. It was exhausting. But he was amazing... Right?
"You're lucky you found me," that is one of the first things that he said to me after we had been together for a few days. Back then, I did feel lucky. He paid attention to me. He cared about me. He asked me about my day and about my feelings. He made me laugh and he gave me the best hugs that I had ever felt. His scent was sweet and mysterious.. His hands were large and despite their calluses, they used to trace secret messages across my back so perfectly. It was a trick.. Soon, I found myself at the mercy of his mouth, his temper and his desires. His words became my command, his mood became my own, his happiness was more important than mine, his desires became my wants and his needs were all that I cared about. I found myself anxious. I found myself walking on eggshells, constantly aiming to please him. "This is not me... What am I doing?" this thought was frequent too. But I didn't have time to worry. I had to work harder because if I worked harder he would finally realize that I was a good girl that would never cheat on him, as his previous girlfriend had. He would accept me then.
"Why do you wear heels? You know that I hate when you're taller than me. I won't go out with you in public if you wear those. Take them off and put on some flat shoes," I laughed. He said the same thing every time I put on a heel. Laugh. That's all that I could do. His insecurities were humorous to me and at the time, kind of flattering. He always questioned me about everything. Everything was a question and he had the answer; the right answer. We would get into arguments and my feelings would quickly be dismissed because "I misunderstood" something that he said. Or I was "immature" and therefore upset by his actions or comments. He never yelled at me. That was a trick... A trick that made me believe that he was a decent man. He never hit me or yelled at me.
If he got mad at me, he would just stop speaking to me. I felt pathetic as I would beg for his forgiveness - the phone calls, text messages and dedication of songs were never enough. I was non-existent to him for several hours. But I deserved it. I made him mad. The silent treatment was my punishment... Just as I felt compelled to answer his messages in the shower, I felt compelled to beg him for his forgiveness. I felt the urge, the lust for forgiveness. I could not stand the thought of him being angry at me. He was my daily life, my world. And I was his... Right?
Soon, I stopped wearing heels altogether. I stopped wearing dresses too. My usually fancy, fashionable wardrobe was replaced with fake ugg boots and sweatpants - a wardrobe that he approved of. I started lying to him about my workouts just so he would stop talking down to me about my "lack of activities." but the gym was not the same without my (former) best friend, who I used to work out with. I couldn't go the gym without her! But he had informed me that she was a "shitty" friend and to stop talking to her. So I did... But nothing was good enough. I began lying about where I was and what I was doing, just because I feared making him angry. He couldn't know that I had male friends because he would just accuse me of trying to make him jealous. All of my friends (girlfriends included) were "idiots, immature and not worth his company" according to him. He was right, I really did have some lousy friends. Or so I thought... My family was "crazy" he said. This was his reasoning for refusing to meet any of my family members despite the fact that I had met every single member of his. He said that he seriously considered not seeing me anymore because of my family. He called these thoughts "red flags." And according to him, there were "many red flags." these red flags made me anxious.. "Oh my God, I can't raise anymore flags... He'll dump me." these thoughts kept me so scared...
My illnesses all but disappeared. Attending class became a daily struggle. My muscles hurt, my mind hurt. I was glued to my cell phone, at all times. I even began texting while in class just so he wouldn't accuse me of not caring. My grades slipped, my relationships suffered. I began isolating myself because my time was simply dedicated to him. I couldn't see any of this, at the time, of course and reflecting on it now, I still can not fully understand how I allowed for all of it to take place...
He made me laugh. He offered me so much. He was fun, handsome, caring. His family was wonderful. This is truly what I believed while I was with him and on the rare occasion that I thought differently, he made sure to remind me of what he had to "offer me" and how "lucky" I was. I had to support him and I had to admire him. I made sure I laughed when we talked, smiled when we were silent and despite the fact that my desperate attempts at pleasing him were taking over my entire life, I felt as though it was worth it. But it was all an illusion..
"He's abusing you, Kaitee." I was paralyzed in bed, when a friend of mine told me this. My friend is highly educated and one of the most intelligent people that I know. I felt disgusted. That was the first feeling that I had felt in days... Our relationship had finally ended. It had ended before, but I really thought that it was over this time. I had finally decided to let go simply because I could no longer entertain the thought of pleasing him. I was suffering. I was completely distraught and now this? How dare this woman sit at the foot of my bed and tell me that the man that I care for so deeply, is abusing me? I thought to myself, "but he didn't hit me... Is she stupid!? He is not abusive." my friend handed me a printout. On this printout was a wheel and in this wheel were the characteristics of an abusive partner. The following characteristics were included:
-The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
-It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
-But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
-You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
-Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
-The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
-The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
I had enough of that list and threw it back at her. *Bing!* it was him again, I smiled. "He needs me," I thought. Much to the dismay of my friend, I answered. I talked to him for the rest of the day.
The following day, my friend returned with the list. I looked at it again and I thought that I might faint. I felt my heart beat again and my stomach grew uneasy... "How could I not have seen this? He does ALL of this and more!" I sobbed and I only left my bed to go to the restroom for the remainder of the week. I cut all contact with him that day and I have not spoken to him since.
I am no longer ill. I can take the hottest showers, my stomach is fine. I can sleep and I no longer feel fatigued. I suspect that the stress from constantly worrying about him caused my immune system to shut down. After I got over the initial shock of realizing the abuse, I stopped feeling ill. I have recovered physically, however, I have not recovered mentally. I now suffer from extreme insecurities. I am no longer a confident person and I suspect that is why I have my days where I miss him and sometimes I even wonder if he was indeed abusive. But most days, I wake up and I feel liberated. I feel free. He took a lot from me. More than I could have ever imagined. But a lot of my girlfriends have been supportive. And surprisingly enough, a majority of them have survived this type of abusive themselves.
I used to think that I was above abuse. I am 5'10'' tall. I have lived all over the world. I am a former model, I have been on TV, I have friends who are celebrities. I am intelligent, powerful and strong. No man was ever going to make me feel lesser or tell me how to feel, what to wear and who to hang out with. I was above abuse. And I would never be weak enough to put up with that type of behavior... Or so I thought.
This situation humbled me and it has shaken me to my core. I lost friends, grades and almost my very life to this man. I am currently rebuilding the life that I lost and I realized that a man does not need to hit you in order to be abusive towards you. I am telling my story on here because had I known about Emotional Abuse, I might have been able to avoid it myself. I am determined to fight back. This is just the beginning..
For more information regarding Emotional Abuse, please visit the following websites:
Kaitlyn V. Chadbourne
american apparel hat
lapponia & marc jacobs rings
other jewellery vintage
nails inc. 'Diet coke limited edition' nail polish in 'london'
Found this little alley just off bond street while shopping in london a few days back.. the amazing thing is that every dumpster back alley around here looks like this, and makes my daily photo sessions really easy..
I decided to have a little Q&A so if there anything you would like to know.. you can ask.
also thank you to everyone who's taking part in my giveaway! It's still on until sunday so scroll down to participate!
Relationships are delicate. Both people have to be on the same page. Both people have to be at the same point in their lives, wanting the same things. Cant have any doubts or reservations. Do something too early, and you can taint it. Jump in too quick, you can screw things up. Wait too long, it may be too late. There are so many other variables besides who the person is..you have to consider who they are now, who they will be in the future, if you have the potential as a couple to grow together..are you on the same page and will you continue to be?
I looked at old pictures of me and my ex last night. They seem to have been taken ages ago. We have both changed so much since then, we were so young..we have grown so much since then..I don’t even know who he is anymore, and he has no idea who I am. We were compatible as kids just coming out of highschool who were able to share in the journey of the transition to college together..we shared in the joys of college life, but once we started to grow beyond that..well, who knows. That’s when we drifted apart..last semester changed my life; it made me open my eyes to the world, to my life, to my future, to who I am as a person. I am sure he changed too; he has chosen this mindset for himself and I have chosen this one for myself, and here we are at two separate paths, not connected whatsoever. We are past the transition from highschool to college, to the world of college life, what else do we have in common anymore? do we share the same view of the world? Do we view the same idea of how life should be lived?
Dating someone new: he would hold me back..I think we both know it, and that is why this wont work. He will stay here, working, and I keep talking about my big dreams…we will both end up hurt..I will want him to come with me, and he wont be able to, wont want to..he would want me to stay in Pittsburgh, or even assume I would be moving back to Pittsburgh after New York, which maybe isn't the case. I don’t want an anchor right now, I don’t want to be tied down here..I need to go where the wind chooses to blow: make connections with people where I go, make new friends, settle when I feel most comfortable or return to my home in Pittsburgh if nowhere else seems like home enough for me. Only then will I settle, when I find out where I want to be or I become tired and weary and sick of looking because I have experienced enough and lived it well, had fun, had adventures, and am finally ready to settle down to a place of comfort..whether it be somewhere else or meaning a final return to Pittsburgh. I cant promise him anything. I cant promise anyone anything right now. I am scared to jump into a situation that will tie me down. That’s why I was so scared with my ex…I knew he would tie me down to this place, he was preventing me from spreading my wings. He was weighing me down and I felt the only way to remedy this situation was to carry that weight with me..I expected him to come with me on my adventures, but sometimes some weights are just too heavy to carry I suppose. I will have to leave it behind, I will have to leave him and the idea of him behind. And I cant expect to meet anyone within the next year that could possibly understand this..that could possibly comprehend that I am a rolling stone and I intend to be a rolling stone and I like it that way, I want my life that way. My ex was also preventing me from living my situation now, he was preventing me from living out this time in my life fully, with no reserves..I have lived and had so many experiences at THIS pont in my life, within the last two years, my college years, that I wouldn’t have been able to have had I stayed with him..I wouldn’t have wanted to be tied down, I didn’t want it then and I realize now it was a wise decision for me..I cant have a relationship right now, I am nowhere near ready to settle, to get married, I wont be until I know the PLACE I am happy at, and only then will I be able to plant roots. I cant do it now.
It’s a shame, I am a walking contradiction…I want to be loved, I want someone to love and appreciate me, but how can you love a creature as fleeting as I am..I move, my character changes, I view the world differently each day..I want love, a relationship, comfort and yet I want to carry that comfort with me from place to place everywhere I go and it is not possible and I need to realize that, you can only choose one situation at a time. If I choose to settle with comfort of love before I am ready to, I will undoubtedly end up miserable later in my life, yearning for something more. If I choose to explore before I settle, I will feel accomplished and satisfied that I lived my life to the fullest and now it is time to make a family of my own, to raise other people, children to grow up and enjoy their lives as well. But only when I am finally ready to.
So here is my new marc by marc jacobs spiral ring... do you like it..? I hope so because I have one extra in size 7 that I am giving away to one lucky reader!!
I am doing this as a thank you to all you wonderful people that have taken time to read and comment on 5 inch and up! you guys are pretty amazing and I am very grateful.
ended.. thank you to every one that took time to comment!
I have always classified myself as a hopeless romantic. I'm a dreamer who has the tendency to stumble straight into her dreams and then fall out of them right onto her face. Falling in love has never been my problem. I don't mean to sound shallow, but guys have always been interested in me, and I them; and I have had too many boyfriends in my short lifespan. My problem is simply that I get carried away far too easily.
It's not that I don't have standards, because I do. I know what I want from a relationship and if a guy can't give me that, then I don't bother. However, I keep finding guys who meet my standards and whose standards I meet as well, but it never feels right. Something always happens and they get attached to the point where things progress too soon and I end up falling out of what I thought was the right relationship. In the end, I'm back where I started... single and looking for that dream again.
Well, this time, I may have actually found it. He is from England and I am from the United States and we have never met. We talk on skype till the early hours of the morning his time and then he wakes up and calls be right before I dash off to bed in the early hours of my time. I don't know how we found each other. We talk all the time about meeting when I travel to England this New Years Eve, and have even made plans to spend it together.
He makes me smile, especially when he teases me about how I can't speak proper English. We never have a problem finding things to talk about, and even the occasional moment when we have had trouble thinking of what to say, we both sit on the line and just listen to each other going about our lives without the other. It's rather surreal actually; like a fairly tale. Every time he calls me, my heart skips a beat and the butterflies in my stomach flap crazily. My favorite part is when we stop talking each night, he leaves little x's at the bottom of the IM.
The only problem is, that I know that I shouldn't get carried away. I'm sure he has a life and other girls that he speaks to in the same carefree way that he talks to me, though I'd like to be selfish and say that I am the only one. I can't help it though. He is literally everything that I have wished for in a guy. We talk about profound things that matter only to the hearts of people who have felt them; I feel that he is a kindred soul.
What would I do if he did have someone else in mind? I suppose that I would go on living my life in a dream. As of right now, I don't want anyone else. I only see him, hear him and think of him. Oh dear... I've gotten carried away... again.
miu miu heels
ysl & vintage rings
This was what I wore to my friends birthday party last saturday.. I am totally in love with the beautiful designs by Aqua.. and with a dress like this I just felt that I had to go all 90's with the hair! I had so much fun with the fro, totally have to go back to it soon!
- ► 2011 (1025)
- here's to hoping/coping
- give up on love or die trying?
- Sparkly shine
- I will keep waiting for you...
- i miss you
- NEXT preview
- the glass girl
- i can't stop...
- Heat wave
- but he didn't hit me...
- i love(d) you
- 66000 volts
- I can't have a relationship right now
- you are...
- Marc Jacobs ring GIVEAWAY
- carried away
- From saturday night
- Asos black
- no matter where...
- everytime i miss tino...
- By Nam
- worth loving for
- Because I'm always late
- letting go
- remember that time...
- I kinda love you and stuff..
- that boy, he's hope.
- Worth the wait
- there you are.
- Streetstyle aesthetic
- Before it all, we have coffee
- i can’t keep drowning for you.
- Adder bite
- for a single moment
- better late than never
- you are here
- A whole lot of roses
- every time my heart beat faster
- ▼ May (42)