what's broken so I can fix it

Olle Eriksson

My story starts like a million others - girl gets her heart broken at a young age, stops believing in love, meets guy who makes her change and open up. But unlike a million other stories, mine doesn't have a happy ending.

I signed up to a dating website when I was bored. It was just out of curiosity at first and to meet new people, since I love to travel. Until one day this guy comes up as a suggestion. A quick look at his profile and I immediately decided to congratulate him for such a well written about me section. And so it all started. Long messages being exchanged every single day. Confessions, complaints, all the things you would talk to a friend, we wrote to each other. We became friends, but something was growing inside me, a weird, unsettling feeling, but I decided to shrug and let it go. Until the day I drunkenly decided to tell you everything - all my feelings and thoughts. And to my surprise you said you felt the same and when you did so... oh, it was like a breath of fresh air. I finally felt happy after so many years of faking smiles and trying to drag myself through life. My heart filled with hope.
And when I thought I couldn't be happier, you said you were coming to my country to visit me. My insecurities took me by storm and I started to think that it was to good to be true. That such a good looking guy would never want a girl like me.
But you came, and I reunited all the courage I could to meet you, and when I first saw you I knew I had found someone worth fighting for. I knew that it would be worth all the heartache, the distance and the insecurities.

My life became you. I would go out and think about you all the time, always wishing you were here. I would dream about you. I would thinking of you so much that it started to frighten me.

After you left I was such a mess that I decided that for the first time I had to go after someone. And so I did. I flew all the way to your country so I could see you again. And for some reason, everything was so fucked up. You met me once and then ignored me, ran away from me, and words can't explain how painful it was, how broken my heart was. I would walk around the streets of that foreign and unknown country trying to find reasons for all that, trying to fool myself into thinking you were just too busy to meet me, that I came at the wrong time. I had to fool myself, otherwise I wouldn't be able to take it. I would just... break.

After many attempts to contact you, you finally responded. We had dinner. And then all of a sudden you said you wanted me to be your girlfriend. At first I thought it was a joke, because it was too good to be true, way too good. But you said it again later that night, and I remember going back to my hotel with the biggest smile on my face. That was the only day when I was truly happy. I made plans to move to your country, or to a country nearby so we could be closer and give us a shot. But then you ignored me again after that, and I was left puzzled. I had to come back home broken hearted, lost, without knowing what to do.

Ever since that day you were never the same, we were never the same, and I wonder what went wrong. There isn't a day that goes by without me thinking of you, longing for you. The sadness I felt before meeting you came back. And even though you broke my heart so many times, I would still do whatever I can to be closer to you, to be with you. I want the truth, I want your honesty back. I wish you would just tell me how you're feeling so I can stop torturing myself. Because I want you, I want us. I want me there with you, or you here. I want to cross streets holding hands, have dinners, watch old movies and walk around town. I want adventures, drunken nights. I want happiness. I want you, only you.

I want to know what's broken so I can fix it, because I can't imagine myself living a life without you.

Jeg savner dig...

-jcm