the distance

selflesh

I remember when we first started dating, everyone said it wasn't going to work out. No one believed that I would survive this kind of relationship. But still, here we are, you and me together still. But I'm starting to get scared that at the same time we're not. That we're not the same people. That we have lost the spark. That the fire that burned passionate in our hearts, now is only a fire that's burning us in a hurting way.

On saturday it'll be 8 months. 8 months in a distant relationship. That's long for me. "When we've survived the first year, the second one will be easy" you keep saying. "It's only one or two more years babe!". But that's long babe. It's a long time, and if we keep loosing more and more of our love, how are we gonna survive two more years? I wish I could say that I believe it, and that I'm not scared. But I can't.

After seven months in our relationship, it all changed. It wasn't me who changed it, it was you. And I know that we've moved past it, and I know that you think that we're still the same couple as we were before. But we're not. And I just hate that you don't see that. Or maybe you see it, but you don't tell. Like I do. I say that I'm fine, because I am. But we're not. And I hope that one day we'll get past it, that we will be like we used to, because I want that, because I want to be with you forever. But now, I still sometimes hear your voice saying the most awful words I've ever heard come out from your mouth. "I slept with another girl".

Yes, I know you were drunk. I know you regret it. And I know everything that is worth knowing. And yes, I've forgiven you. No, I didn't break up with you. I didn't want to do it then, and I don't want to do it know either. But I'm just scared you know. I'm just hurted. I'm confused. Because mistakes like that aren't supposed to happen. You know that too. Like, look at our friends couples. It hasn't happened to them has it? No. But then again, our friends couples aren't like us.

And that brings us back to the distance. The fact that while my best friend spends all of her days with his boyfriend, I only get one day a week. Sometimes none. That kind of changes everything doesn't it? That sometimes make me think that we haven't really been together for eight months, but like one. The distance, the eight lettered word, that changes everything. That little word, that little bus ride, makes us both so vulnerable. And weak. And scared. But no one is really admitting it.

I wish I could say that saturday is eight months, but that's nothing compared to the years in our future. But right now I can only hope.

-A