a part of him

lillian vorness

i love him.. so much.

that's all i can say to my self. i can't really say it to anybody else. why? coz nobody knows about us. we kept it as a secret from our closest friends, coworkers, and family.

it all started last year on September 2009. i was working at this restaurant and he was just a random guy who came to see my boss and asked for a job. just a little hint, i hated him since the day he walked inside the restaurant. he was this freaking cocky guy who apparently can't stop bragging that he was the best chef in this restaurant field. I couldn't stop thinking that i wanna slap this skinny dude.

blah blah blah.. he got the job and i had to worked with him. it wasn't easy working with a cocky guy. we had arguments every single day.

time passed by. it was january 2010. i forgot how or exactly when, but me and him became best friend. we shared about our childhood life and everything that's been going around us. he became somebody that i can rely on.

february 2010. i wasn't dating anybody neither was he. so, we started to have this friend with benefit thingy. we even made a pack that we wont tell anybody about our 'secret relationship'. we didn't call each other boyfriend or girlfriend. we just friends. that's it.

but, something happened on may 2010. it was his birthday when i found that i was pregnant. i couldn't help to think how can i get pregnant. i was using birth control at that time. how can it be? i told him immediately, even though it was his birthday. he was shocked. and he told me that we can't have this baby. not now. not a good timing. and i agreed. we agreed to have an abortion.

a week after his birthday, i went to a doctor. i saw this tiny thing inside of me. i was 8 weeks pregnant. the doctor said to me that we can do it today. i was shocked. i wasn't thinking that I'm gonna do it right away. So i asked the doctor that can we wait another more week? the doctor said yes.

i called him and said to him that it's way too soon to have an abortion. i need to wait another more week. and he said ok.

one week passed by. i told him that i got the abortion. he said he was sorry because he wasn't man enough to take the responsibility and made me do that awful thing. i said that's fine. no need to say sorry. it took two to tangle. so stop saying you're sorry.

still may 2010. he got fired and we never see each other again. we still talk on the phone every now and then, but i guess i'm just busy with work and he's busy with his own thing.

june 8, 2010. here i am writing this story about what's going on. i can't really say it in detail because english isn't my first language and i had a hard time to figure out what word should i use.

i decided to write to lelove because i need to share this. i lied to my best friend. i didn't get the abortion. i canceled the appointment. i told him that i did it, but i didn't. when i saw that baby inside me, i knew that all of this started because i wanted too. and i shouldn't kill this baby because i made my own mistake.

i'm 12 weeks pregnant right now. and i had a lot of things going on around me. i can't help that sometimes i feel scared because i will be a single parent. and what hurts the most is that i lied to him, the father of my baby. i know that he doesn't want to have anything to do with this baby. so i have to keep it that way. it's just hurt sometimes not bring able to tell him that you're gonna be a dad.

i love him.. and i know it.. this friend with benefit thing wasn't actually my thing, but for some reason, i just wanted to get along with it. and now.. i have to live with this whole sad situation because i have a part of him inside me. i don't know when will i tell him that i lied. but for now, i'm happy with the decision that i made. i love this baby. i can feel her growing inside me.